Purging

Purging our crap away. What a consumeristic way of living… yet it persists. Just unloaded 5 garbage bags of unwanted goods to the thrift store today. Between my daughter and I, we purged our past lives away… well, a good chunk of it in preparation for what’s next. For my daughter, the transformation is pretty obvious. She’s no longer a baby or little girl. She’s a tween and soon to be teenager. The mountain of stuffed animals, waxed crayons, and plastic toys no longer serve their purpose in this girl’s bedroom. Her closet, drawers, and underneath her bed have been completely cleared out. Now, her room looks somewhat pristine with exception to clothes on the floor and make-up bits here and there. My kid is growing up.

As for me, I need to do some growing up as well. Although I am 45, I need to acknowledge that I am (still) in a state of transformation. It would seem ridiculous for my daughter to continue her love and adoration for Dora the Explorer as a young adult as it would be for me to holding on to some of my ‘old ways of being.’ Purging contents from my office became more of a need than a want. As my daughter was purging through her stuff, as well as my husband, and many items that were stored in their space returned my way… my old filing cabinet, binders from my graduate coursework, and various odds ‘n ends. I was running out of room in my office.

Sieving through much of “the crap” in my office, I did not realize what kind of things I was holding on to. I have lots of “Zoe Keepsakes,” like any mom would. I had overhead transparencies and lesson plans from my first year of teaching. Why do these things matter now? I had to question myself. I also held onto some “dark tokens” from my past… my pedagogical past… things that I’m not proud of. Looking at these items were like stabs to the heart to remind me that I am not the “perfect teacher.” When you know better, you’ll do better. I did see many items of joy and happiness, but overwhelmed by those items representing pain. I am not ashamed of these dark tokens, but realize I can let go of them now because I know better.

If anything, this purging process has been a lesson of forgiveness, letting go, and embracing a growth mindset. I could get overwhelmed by stories held by others that may capture or highlight some of my “not so favourable” actions from the past in spite of the fact that some may have fond memories of my teaching practice. It is so easy to dwell on failures and mishaps rather than celebrating the successes. I created what I saw in the classroom. If I was frustrated by the system, I was frustrated with myself in the system. In the end, I was signalling to myself that it was time to leave.

The only person I hold responsible for how things unfolded for me in my pedagogical journey is me… past and present. Currently, my tutoring business is overcapacity with a waitlist, I am teaching teachers about the new curriculum, and I am moving forward with my dissertation with expectations of finishing in 2016. My teaching career has taken a different direction and I am engaged. To get to the next chapter, I have to realize that I am a different person from when I started teaching in 1994 and left public schools in 2010. Yes, many parts of me are the same, I believe that I am a “good teacher,” but my past experiences created the person who I am today.

This photo is a wonderful metaphor. When the trunk is full with clutter, it can weigh you down. You can choose to carry this clutter around with you but you will have no room to incorporate anything new. It’s a choice to unload the clutter to create space to grow, develop, and become a better you. I’m opting for the latter. The trunk has been purged. Goodbye clutter. I hope that you can make other people happy to make new memories, new experiences, or new opportunities. For me, I need to make room for what’s to come. I will no longer shame myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I accept my mistakes. I am learning. I am becoming a better me. I am moving forward.

Mistakes, failure, or “doing something wrong” are learning opportunities… NOT opportunities for self-deprecation, shaming, or blaming. I could spend much of my time pretending and hiding my mistakes from others with hopes of others believing that my life is a straight line. WRONG. This is not sustainable. Unfortunately in this blog, I may be focusing on a handful of “negative things” amongst and million of great and wonderful things, but from today forward I will celebrate my strengths and expertise. I love the people that I get to work with and look forward to others in the future. I love learning and leaning into the discomfort. What I do need to do at all times is surround myself with people who will nourish me, teach me, and love me.

Goodbye junk in my trunk… goodbye boxes of recycling… and goodbye edu-garbage. You do not bring me joy. You have served your purpose and now you must go.