Knowing Your People
Week 129 – September 4, 2022 – Knowing Thy Self
What I am beginning to understand to invite the people into my life, I also have to know thy self too to connect in ways that are aligned to my values and wellbeing. I feel so lucky that I spent the summer to redirect the ship, shall we say, to move in a direction and in ways that are true to who I am. It’s been a longtime. I think the last time I felt this confident in who I am and who I connect with was when I was 14.
I had a bike accident in Grade 9. I don’t recall what happened in that accident except that I found myself in the hospital and 3-days of my life are gone. Missing, really. I still have no recollection of what happened except for what people told me, which was I was somewhat foul with my language and behaviour. It’s clear to me I did not want to be there and everyone did their best to make sure I was on the mend.
At that time, I had a huge bump on my head with a scab. I remember picking the scab while working on a French project and I started to bleed. Back to emergency, I go the bump drained and the doctor opted to flip over the skin to continue the draining. My head was dressed and I wore a cap for a good chunk of my Grade 9 year. A long story made short, the skin flap died and I have a bald spot to remember this life event.
Aside from sharing what I do remember about my bike accident, I was also a bit of a tomboy as well in Grade 9. Hoodies, sweatpants, runners, wooly socks, and my cap. I remember walking down the hallway of my school and someone said something to me. I don’t remember if the comment was racialized (I repress those memories) but I just walked by and said, “I believe that’s your problem, not mine.” How liberating.
I feel like I am back to that person, who can stand tall in the shoes they are wearing. In knowing who I am, I can also be more clear about who I want to spend my time with. For years, I was unclear. I spent time trying to meet other people’s expectations. I abandoned myself to please others. Inside, I was slowly eroding. This past year has been about rebuilding myself and feeling good about who I am and my purpose.
Understanding myself better in turn helps me to create boundaries and know who is in my bubble or not. For quite sometime, I thought it was everybody. What I am learning is, the outcome returns back to my edu-saying of: “It depends.” I am building my learning community. I am connecting with those I trust and care for. I can no longer give myself away or my power to please others. I can’t do that anymore.