Having a Voice

One the the most liberating things I have done as an educator was creating this edu-blog.  I may have a million readers or none.  Who really knows… (Well, I do check the “stats” but…)  What I do know is that blogging is much more than writing a personal journal.  It’s about having a voice.  For many years, I did not have a voice.  OK.  I may be loud and edu-rant from time to time, as mentioned in an earlier blog, but I felt muted.  I had no voice.  I had no power.  I lived an inauthentic life.

I was thinking, speaking, and feeling what someone else dictated or expected from me.  I was misaligned.  Before leaving the teaching profession, I felt disconnected, depressed, and physically ill.  This is not normal.  I had 4″ cyst, anxiety attacks, and severe hip pain.  I went to counseling, Reiki therapy, and the doctor looking for help.  When you are not able to recognize that “things” are not right, your body certainly tells you so.  I needed a time out, so I quit.  I spent months redefining myself, replenishing my spirit, and rekindling my love for education.  I was done pretending.

This is my voice.  I could be worried or overly concerned that someone would read this blog and judge me.  It’s OK to be judged.  It’s OK to have an opinion.  It’s OK to get feedback.  Taking a leap of faith and venturing into a new direction has been one of the best things that I have done for myself.  First of all, my health is much better and I have challenged myself to take risks, be honest, and do things for the right reasons.  For those following my blog from its meager existence months ago, my voice has changed (as many times as the name of my blog).  I am much happier.  I am joyful.  I am excited about education.  I could not realize this without making the decisions I did.  No regrets.

However, the mind is a fragile one.  I am not about reliving my ‘past life’ but it only takes one incident to return back to the way things were.  That just happened to me the other day.  One conversation and I’m back to feeling fearful, depressed, and disheartened.  I have been trying to make my way back to a place of fullness.  This is not easy work.  So many hurt feelings, so many unanswered questions, so much pain.  I have no desire to return back to the way things were, but I feel muted once again.  My heart feels heavy.  My thoughts seem bleak.  My feelings are uninspired.  Why does this have to be?  Is it about power?  Is it about saving face?  I don’t know, but I feel sick.

I share my experiences not looking for pity or judgement, but as something to learn from.  In this case, FEAR stops me from having a voice.  I feel threatened and scared.  My chest feels tight and I can’t seem to relieve myself from the pain.  Back to bad times… I can keep this to myself and suffer quietly.  Or, I can share my thoughts in hopes of feeling restored seeking help from others.  I opted for the latter.  This set back will not stop me from blogging or living my life to the fullest.  Fear will not get the best of me.  I have many things to be grateful for: my family, my friends, my health, my safety, and respect from my colleagues.  I love teaching, learning, and leading.  Onwards and upwards…