Things Get Better Over Time

What do you think this blog is all about?  I could be talking about fine wine or teacher expertise.  Nope.  You are so wrong.  What I will be talking about today is CAMPING.

I am on holidays with my family, driving up north to visit the in-laws.  What we decided to do was CAMP en route.  BLAH.  To be completely honest, camping is not my favorite activity.

First, my parents are Chinese immigrants from Hong Kong and camping was questionable at best.  I mean, we ate spaghetti with ketchup.  I am not judging, I’m just saying.

Second, camping with my husband is NOT camping… it’s more like compromising.  Oh, we do not have any matches, let’s rub two sticks together.  A couple nights being cold, hungry, and ill-prepared provides no reinforcement to “the participant” that camping might be fun.

In 2010 and 2011, I was invited be a part of Pulling Together.  Pulling Together is a 9-day canoe journey that involves canoeing and CAMPING.  Big difference… it is all organized and each night ends with a HUGE catered banquet involving salmon and other yummy food.

The Pulling Together Journey is a phenomenal experience not easily described in words.  I loved it and the Journey involved a complete immersion into the camping experience.  I have learned lots about myself, families, community, culture, canoeing… and yes, camping.

My faith in the camping has been restored.  How do I know?  On our drive up to Prince Rupert, we camped for one night in Hope, BC and one in Prince George.  Although we still lacked air mattresses, firewood, and a propane tank for the gas stove… I had fun.

Things get better over time.  The circumstances of the “Younghusband” camping experience still remained the same (i.e. missing equipment), my attitude changed.  A change in perspective, changed the way I feel about CAMPING.  You see, people can change.

Learning from Kids

One of my deepest fascinations of my teaching career is the complex relationship between student and teacher.  I once believed that the role of a teacher is to “unload” some information into the minds of young children, as prescribed by the curriculum.

This false belief is derived from what Lortie (1975) describes as the “Apprenticeship of Observation.”  We would like to believe that we all “know” a lot about the practice of teaching because we had witnessed more than 12 years of it as students.

Here’s a clue… we don’t really know a lot about teaching kids unless you have spent some time developing your teacher expertise as a teacher (Berliner, 1998).  Teachers newly inducted into the profession take at least 5 years to understand their practice.

What’s my point?  I took about 5 years to develop an “automaticity” (Berliner, 2001) in what I did in the classroom (i.e. the classroom routines).  I completed a Masters in Education and another 5 years of teaching to understand why I did what I did in the classroom.

Now, I am attempting to complete a Doctor of Education to understand how teachers learn on the job as non-math specialists in the field of secondary math.  I am learning about “the act of teaching” from my readings, course work, research, and reflective practice.

A humbling moment… I participated in the 2011 Pulling Together Journey on the SD46 canoe and one of the youths says to me after a brief conversation about my pedagogical journey… “It’s good to do one thing at a time.  That’s how you get really good at something.”

All of a sudden my self-doubting thoughts and perceived regrets simply vanished.  The wisdom of this high school student gave me solace in my educational pursuit and some of the decisions I made to make the writing process and professional learning possible.

Conclusion:  Kids get it.  When I talk my math students about assessment methods, math pedagogy, or educational leadership… THEY GET IT.   Here’s a thought… consider listening and learning from your students as a part of your professional development.

A State of Contemplation

I am in a state of contemplation.  It’s been two days since I’ve submitted my proposal and I am getting ready to start my ethics application and pilot case study.

Although I am truly grateful for Educ 809 for giving me the skills to break down the dissertation into doable steps, I am somewhat worried about what I’ll be doing next.

I left my teaching career to gain perspective on my research problem and gain time to write and finish my dissertation in a timely manner, but what’s next?

What I do know is that I would like to continue my career in education.  I am interested in Aboriginal Education, Math Education, Leadership, and Assessment Methods.

I consider returning back to public education, but I am also open to pursuing something “different” in the field of education.  There is a wealth of the possibilities.

So far, I have been accepted to participate in an Instructional Skills Workshop at SFU and I am anticipating to volunteer as a math tutor with adult learners at Capilano University.

Other things on the go… I am presenting two Assessment for Learning workshops in the fall and I am an executive member of the BC Association of Math Teachers as a Secondary Rep.

Reality check: As scary and uncertain change can be, I am on the right track and the future looks bright.  It’s about trying and looking forward.  Carpe diem.

Irony is NOT Funny

This week marks the end of my Educ 809 course and my latest submission of my thesis proposal to my committee.  I am personally shocked and amazed how much transformation occurs over time with one piece of writing.  I think I am arriving…

Since my comprehensive exam in 2009, I have been attempting to write a comprehensive proposal towards my dissertation in educational leadership.  My initial beginnings with my proposal never got to a place of completion.  To sum it up, I was distracted.

Get out of the problem.  That was the feedback I was given after I submitted a partial first draft of my proposal.  I was living “the problem” and continued to write about “the problem.”  Unfortunately, “the problem” is not the dissertation.  I had to make a decision.

I left my full-time teaching position to commit my time to writing and research.  This was a radical move and in hind-sight, not fully thought out.  What I do realize today is how important it was for me to write with a clear conscience.  I needed to write.

Months pass and I finally submitted a partial second draft with full intentions of writing and getting out of the problem.  My writing did shift from “the problem” to a new state of being… It’s not political.  I was in transition.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.

The problem was so embedded in my lived experience that to get past the problem was to point fingers as to why there is the problem in the first place.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was making progress but now I had to get out of the politics… and back into the academics.

Next draft, a new approach to my dissertation proposal… I started to write my proposal from a personal point of view… like a BLOG.  Can you guess what happened?  Third submission of a partial proposal was quickly returned with the comment, “It’s not about you.”

Ouch.  That hurts.  This academic writing process is more challenging than I had thought.  HELP.  It’s not about me?  Then, what is this dissertation all about?  I was feeling lost.  I was walking in the dark and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I took Educ 809, a seminar course designed to help PhD and EdD students to complete their dissertation.  I thought it was good Karma or good timing.  I needed this dissertation process to be demystified.  And, you know what?  Mission accomplished.

I have finished a fourth version of my proposal today with all that I had learned from Educ 809.  I handed it in to my supervisors and I feel pretty good about it.  It still needs some work, but I tried my best to make it an academic paper to move on to phase 2.

IRONY IS NOT FUNNY.  The contents of my paper was about out-of-field teachers, secondary math, and learning on-the-job.  I questioned how teachers without the content knowledge and pedagogical content knowledge can be proficient at teaching math.

What I am learning from my writing as a graduate student is… I don’t have the knowledge or experience to write a dissertation in a few months.  I need to take the time to understand, learn from deliberate practice and engagement, and build a sense of self-efficacy to write.

I am writing about me.  That is the irony.  I am not an expert in educational research or academic writing.  I am learning “on-the-job” what it means to be proficient at being a researcher practitioner.  I am learning.  I am humbled.  I am seeing progress.  Yay me.

Like Layers of an Onion

Some may call it midlife… some may call it change… while others may call it CRAZY.  Regardless of what it is called, turning 40 after 16 years of teaching at the same school and attempting to complete my dissertation in a timely manner… I have found that the writing process has been like layers of an onion... one layer after another, I am stripped, unraveled, and peeled towards my core being in search for clarity, meaning, and purpose.

Who would have thought I would be writing and enjoying it?  Not me.  I had always self-diagnosed myself as someone who could not read or write well.  In fact, I would blame my parents for my troubles with the English language and claim my misfortune with reading and writing on being ESD (English as a Second Dialect).  This is not say that my two older siblings had difficulties with English.  They didn’t.  They are both articulate and write well.

So, what is this all about?  Did I study Chemistry and Math at university because I had difficulties with English?  Possibly.  Did I have great fears of entering the Faculty of Education when one of the requirements was to read a passage out loud to one of the professors?  Maybe.  Did I doubt my abilities of completing any graduate studies because I truly believed I could not read or write?  Absolutely.  But, here I am writing my dissertation.

All of my fears and uncertainties are called to question as I sit here contemplating whether or not if I can finish my doctorate degree by 2012.  Why do I feel this way?  It is obvious to me, on one hand, that I am worthy of doctoral studies when I have successfully completed the course work and the comprehensive exam.  Yet, on the the other hand, I feel like I am an imposter… a fake.  Check out my English 100 mark… grades don’t lie.

As you can see, grades define us.  This is a CRAZY thought… but there is some truth embedded in that statement.  I believed that I could not read or write well.  I had grades that confirmed those beliefs.  I made academic decisions based on those beliefs and I continue to self-doubt my abilities to write academically because “I am scared” of being “found out” that maybe “I can’t write.”  As a result, I am paralyzed in this academic pursuit.

Formative feedback matters…

Assessment for Learning (AFL) is formative feedback.  It allows the learner to know and understand why and what is going well and what and why other things need to be worked on.  In return, the teacher learns what is going well for the learner and what needs to be worked on.  Strangely, this is the premise of graduate studies… learning about one’s learning and learning from it.  It’s kind of an endless circle like layers of an onion.

What I am learning is that I need to believe in myself and my academic abilities, teaching experience, and pedagogical expertise to proceed forward with my dissertation and “feel good” about it.  There are NO GRADES in the dissertation process, yet I often feel that there is.  I am plagued with the thoughts of “Am I doing this right?”  Instead, what I should be asking to myself is “What have I learned?” and “What do I need to learn?”

Grading equals judgment… and in the end, judgment evokes fear.  Learning happens in fear-free environments and formative feedback is just what it is… feedback.

Are Teachers Hoarders?

Are teachers hoarders?  OK.  I am not trying to generalize or point fingers.  I can only speak for myself… but I am beginning to think that I am displaying early signs of hoarding.

I have been a public school teacher for 16 years and I have collected many “things” during my career.  At one time they were important, but not sure if I will ever look at it again. 

A few years ago, a colleague and good friend of mine helped me to move my “things” from one classroom to another.  At the time, she helped me to rethink some of the things I was hoarding.  I would keep “things” like extra photocopies, old projects, books, receipts, and handouts from workshops.  She threw away boxes and boxes of “stuff” without me knowing.

Honestly, didn’t notice what was missing… if anything.  Last year when I left teaching to pursue my graduate studies full-time, my friend helped me again.  And, once again, boxes and boxes of “stuff” went to recycling or the dumpster.  It was tough love.  I still ended up taking about a dozen boxes of “stuff” home.  What is all this “stuff?”  It’s lots of EDU-STUFF.

My car trunk is still full of this “stuff” and so is my office.  After my Educ 809 course, I realized that I needed a place to write my thesis, and write in general, that had some order and solitude.  Yesterday, I moved my “stuff” from my office to the third bedroom.

I have a lot of “stuff.”  Where is my friend when I need her.  I need to purge.  I still have books from my teacher training program from UBC during the mid-90’s.  It’s almost 20 years old.  Is it worth it to keep it?  Apparently, YES.  I am in the mind set of… I may need it later.

To all the teachers out there… Does this sound familiar?

It’s Not Meant to be Easy

Wise words I’ve heard the other day from a recent PhD graduate that resonates with me as a learner and as a teacher… “It’s not meant to be easy.”

This PhD graduate was referring to her dissertation process… but really, “it” refers to any learning process.  If it was meant to be easy, are you really learning something new?

I sit here and struggle with the writing process, wondering if I am doing “it” right or not.  My curiosity quickly turns into an obsession, then into fear.

Taking any risks, trying something new, or “learning” is next to impossible if I feel scared, apprehensive, or insecure.  Does this sound familiar to you?

No progress means no growth and no intrinsic satisfaction… AKA: Failure.

What this PhD graduate exemplified to me was… find your passion, take risks, and go for it.  She had a vision and went for it.  The details seemed to fall into place.

So, if you are engaged in higher education… AWESOME… take a leap of faith and put yourself out there.  If you are teaching… try something new and change your practice. 

In the end, all of the your work, time, and effort will be worth it.  Be the learner.

Reinventing Myself – July 26, 2011

A new blog… a new me.  What is this all about?  I am reinventing myself.

I welcome change but what am I changing to?  As much as I would like to believe that I am all about the process, I think that I am all about the outcome.  Strangely, by doing this, I would attempt to anticipate what will be versus accepting what is and what could be.

Reinventing myself means to take risks, to try something new, and to take a leap of faith.  To accept change means to embrace these uncertainties and let go of all the fears and presumptions of what would be.  Fear can be a driving force that adheres to the status quo.

If it ain’t broke, why fix it?  Why not?  Doing something for 20 years and not change because “it works” is a lie that we tell ourselves.  I am not referring to brushing our teeth or sleeping for 8 hours.  What I am questioning is how we practice in the classroom.

Teachers work in isolation.  How do teachers really know if something is working in their classroom or not?  The only feedback teachers get are from their students and parents.  However, these stakeholders are not educators and their opinions can be easily disregarded.

Here’s a thought… try something new.  Try a new instructional method… a new project… a new assessment method.  How about trying ASSESSMENT FOR LEARNING… and possibly NOT counting everything for marks and focus on the learning?

Don’t make assumptions like “it doesn’t work.”  Don’t belittle the concept by disguising ZEROS with semantics like “not handed in.”  And, don’t assume that kids don’t like it and won’t get it… THEY WILL.  You will even surprise yourself how good change is.

My suggestion… work with a colleague… banter out some ideas… try something new… reflect… adjust… adapt… and try again.  Assessment for Learning has so much to offer for the teacher and students.   I find it hard to believe that we’re not all doing it.

Being Candid, Being Honest – July 25, 2011

One of the biggest things I had struggled with as a public educator was being candid, being honest.  On the one hand, I had felt confident to voice my thoughts in meetings, in my classroom, and in the hallways.  I would have something to say… and say it.  On the other hand, I feel the way I do right now… hesitant, scared, and uncertain.

I love teaching.  I love teaching kids math.  For kids to learn, sometimes you have to be honest with the kids, your colleagues, and parents to accomplish what needs to get done to succeed.  In math, being honest and candid to all stakeholders can be a “touchy-subject.”  Actually, it can be difficult to achieve regardless of what subject area you teach. 

What I have learned is you can tell the truth and share your thoughts, but there must be a certain level of tact or restraint that needs to be taken to stay “safe.”  I have mixed feelings about this because what is said is subject to interpretation.  In the end, what was meant to be said may not be received in the same way as it was intended.

Taking the time to engage in what Habermas calls COMMUNICATIVE ACTION is a necessary good in schools to ensure that good things are happening for kids and their learning.  Communicative action is the act of dialoguing with others, striving for shared understanding.  This does not mean that everyone agrees or complies. What it does mean is that meaning is negotiated and opinions can be acknowledged.

We are all on the same team… working together to help kids learn… Go Educators!

Returning Back from Ahousaht – July 12, 2011

I am back from the 9-day canoe journey from Tofino to Port Alberni called PULLING TOGETHER 2011.  Three canoes out of 20 came from the Sunshine Coast from June 30th to July 8th.  About 300 people participated in this event as pullers or ground crew.  En route, we traveled to Ahousaht and other villages along the west coast of Vancouver Island.

The experience was phenomenal.  Although the experience differed from last year’s Pulling Together – The Salish Sea, I am grateful to be a part of the Journey and I believe that “it was meant to be.”  The 2011 Pulling Together Journey was an opportunity to reflect, contemplate, and share with others.  There was much teaching and learning.

The primary objective of Pulling Together is to build relationships between the RCMP and First Nations People.  This annual event also includes aboriginal youth and other service workers.  This unique opportunity is about building relationships, in general.

I feel so fortunate to be invited for a second year to be a part of the SD46 Canoe as a teacher and community member.  The canoe is a metaphor for leadership, learning communities, and cooperation.  I have met many wonderful people, I love the Sunshine Coast Pulling Together Family, and I learned the big life lesson, “What is, is.”

If you are interested in learning more about Pulling Together and the Sunshine Coast Canoe Families… check out our blog:  http://sunshinecoastpullingtogether.blogspot.com/