Can’t Sleep

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can’t sleep? Could it be because I had a triple grande non-fat latte during dinner? Could it be because I hear jazz music playing in the background? Or, could it be because there’s a lot on my mind? It’s all of the above. So, why not blog? Am I right? Blogging is a way for me to reflect and sense-make.

The last 20-days have been a whirlwind. It was something I never expected and yet, I would not trade this “life-experience” for anything. Short of 20 days ago, I posted on Facebook “Do you ever wonder that everything you’ve done was meant to prepare you for something else?” Some of my Facebook friends replied by saying “no, not really” to “I never wonder… I’ve always known this.” I had always believed that everything happens for a reason and every decision we make leads to a destination. You realize this when you look back at life and everything you have experienced forms a STRAIGHT LINE. Strange… because it surely does not feel that way when you are looking forward. I had always believed that moving forward was done with intention, but what I did not realize is, the destination you arrive to may look nothing like what you’ve imagined or hoped for.

Gosh… for months I’ve been so focussed on “what’s next?” My thinking was career oriented and I was placing expectations on myself that may or may not be aligned to my purpose and passion. I struggled with “the should’s” and never considered what was really important to me. I took what was really important to me for granted and now I must ask myself what I am willing to sacrifice or compromise to hold on to what I value most. What I have learned in the last 20-days is, everything can be taken off of my plate. My world does not implode or turn its back on me. It’s just on hold. In the last 20-days, I gained clarity on my values and what’s important to me. They turned upside down.

I have also learned more about what I can and cannot do. It’s strange when folks in the medical field spontaneously ask me if I’m in the medical field. I’ll take it as a compliment. I guess I have the disposition for it but also I like to learn and help people. I think that’s in my nature. I had no idea that my doctorate, first aid training, and trusteeship would blend themselves together in a serendipitous way that is purposeful and meaningful in a completely different context. It’s disappointing to tell these medical practitioners that I am an educator… and I didn’t tell them that I disliked Biology 101 (I’m a physical scientist!!!). I learned more about systems and that my passion and purpose are in education.

I can see what I want to pursue and what values I need to adhere to. It’s my work now to CREATE (my one-word for 2018) what that will be, what will that look like, and how I will get there. This has been an incredible 20-days. Challenging, emotional, and transformational. I am not the same person and I don’t plan to be. I have an edu-mission and I will take steps to move forward to get there. Everything we do prepares us for what’s to come… or at least CREATE a readiness for it. I will not compromise or forgo my values and what’s important to me to get to a destination that I don’t want. It’s time to put things back on my plate and assess if it’s worthwhile doing or not to get to my desired destination. I do have a vision. I hope that I am able to live out my dreams once again. I feel so lucky that I was able to before and have the opportunity to do it one more time.

I am grateful for those who are in my life. I am grateful for those who love and respect me. I am grateful for those who support me and help me rise. I am also grateful for those who help me learn and guide me through “life experiences” to become the person I am today. I have learned more about myself in the last 20-days and I have learned more about others. Thank you for reading my blog entry… if you made it this far. It’s 4:44am and I think I can catch a few ZZZs before the sun rises. Thank you for this late night distraction. My blog entry may be somewhat vague or broad stroked, but it was intended. No specifics tonight/today but what I can say is, I would do it all over again.