Christine Ho Younghusband

BC School Trustees Association

Published in the Local Weekly at https://issuu.com/brianhubenig/docs/the_local_march_23 

The School District No.46 (Sunshine Coast) Board of Education are members of the BC School Trustees Association (BCSTA). BCSTA is a non-profit provincial organization that serves and supports member boards with professional learning, communication, and legal counsel. The BCSTA is also responsible for advocating to government and other education partners on behalf of member boards as well as enhancing the work of local boards to improve student achievement.

Members of the SD46 Board of Education have active roles in the BCSTA and contribute to the work of the BCSTA. Trustee Pammila Ruth is our locally elected Provincial Councillor, a position formally held by Trustee Dave Mewhort. The Provincial Councillor represents the Board of Education at Provincial Council meetings in October, February, and April. The Provincial Council is deals with emergent issues in BC education and provides direction to the BCSTA Board of Directors.

Trustee Lori Pratt is the South Coast Branch President and member of the BCSTA Elections Engagement Committee. The South Coast Branch is composed of boards of education from Powell River, Sea-to-Sky, and the Sunshine Coast. Trustee Pratt leads our regional work but also represents our Branch on the BCSTA Elections Engagement Committee. With the upcoming provincial election, this committee developed a provincial campaign to bring BC public education to voter awareness. The campaign is called “Public Education is the KEY.” Follow the hashtag #bcedkey on social media.

Chair Betty Baxter participates in the BCSTA with conference calls on provincial announcements and Board Chair Listserve to connect, share ideas, and ask questions with other member board chairs. Chair Baxter also attends a provincial conference with superintendents, secretary-treasurers, and Ministry of Education in October, which is followed up by a BCSTA facilitated event designed for board chairs to support them in their work and professional learning.

Trustee Christine Younghusband has served on the BCSTA Board of Directors for the three years as Director, where she was the Board Liaison on the BCSTA Education Committee for two years and BCSTA Legislative Committee for one. She is also a member of the BCSTA Learning Guide Committee, which oversees the development of a new trustee curriculum to support boards of education and individual trustees with their professional growth and development.

In April, several SD46 trustees will attend the BCSTA Annual General Meeting in Vancouver to deliberate, debate, and provide direction to the incoming BCSTA Board of Directors.

The Entrepreneurial Teacher

Wowza. Let’s pull out a picture from the archives. Damn. I looked pretty good back then. This is at least 10-years old because I can see the textbooks on the shelves: Mathpower 10, 11, or 12. It was good times back in the secondary math classroom. Now, I am looking through a lens from the outside in to the inside. I find myself curious.

I’ve seen Yong Zhao speak a few times about globalization, the entrepreneurial mindset, and paradigm shifts in the context of education and the 21st Century. I have also worked on BC’s New Curriculum as one of the Math K-9 Curriculum Developers to transform the Integrated Resource Packages (IRPs) into a document that would embrace the 21st Century Learner and Educated Citizen.

As we moved forward with a potential system shift in BC education, I remember the active “witch hunt” to find innovative, creative, and entrepreneurial teachers to make their teaching practice visible. Why the witch hunt? According to old policies, curriculum, and expectations, these teachers were “breaking the rules.” They were hiding. The doors were closed. Innovation was not widely accepted. The system thrived on compliance and sameness. We needed to see what these teachers were doing to visibly demonstrate to others in the system what was possible.

I was absolutely stoked about BC’s New Curriculum. It had Assessment for Learning (AFL) as an underpinning to the curriculum, Indigenous Worldviews embedded throughout the curriculum, and the flexibility to implement project-based/place-based/problem-based/ inquiry-based learning. Anything was possible, if you wanted it to be. When the K-9 Curriculum was officially launched in 2016/17, I was somewhat saddened that I was no longer in the classroom to try out some of these ideas as a secondary mathematics teacher. So, I did take the opportunity to try out some of the ideas like personalized learning, self-assessing core competencies, and student-led learning with my EDUC 471 course at Simon Fraser University. It was awesome!!!

What’s my point? I left teaching for lots of reasons. One of them was because I felt like I was “oozing out of my chair.” I was on the Assessment for Learning train in my Math 8-12 classes and loved it… but I wanted to do more. I hit a ceiling. There was no where to go. I wanted to explore and innovate more. I wanted to learn more… but how? Opportunities became limited when you felt like you’ve done it, mastered it, and wanted to move forward. With lots of other factors contributing to my decision, I left teaching. At the time, I felt like I had no options. I was “oozing out of my chair.” There was no person or thing that could get my oozing butt back into the chair. I was out.

I thought that my story was only my own. I believed I was alone on this journey. I felt isolated and devastated for years after I left my teaching practice. I love to teach, but my spirit was eroding. It got to the point where I was so unwilling to concede, lay-low, and comply so that I could just “fit in” and “do what I’m told.” I had to leave.

Why is quitting an option? It has come to my attention in recent weeks that there are others in the system who feel the same way. Pardon me??? I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was happy to learn that I was not alone. It wasn’t some freakish phenomena that I was only experiencing. On the other hand, I am deeply saddened that great teachers, passionate teachers… shall I say ENTREPRENEURIAL TEACHERS feel limited, restricted, or belittled such that quitting is a viable option.

How can this be? We are suppose to be moving towards INNOVATION, embracing CREATIVITY, and nourishing the ENTREPRENEURIAL spirit. How can we achieve this? We need to take risks, make mistakes, and try something so new that it may not have been done before. THIS IS EXCITING. What’s happening? The system (aka. people) are stuck. It’s scary. It’s foreign. It’s not permissible. I am absolutely angered and discouraged to hear this. Damn the system is resilient… for the wrong reasons. This strikes a cord with one of my core beliefs. WE cannot do what WE want for students if WE are unable or unwilling to do it for ourselves (at all levels). I am disappointed.

If we cannot recognize this flaw or oversight within our system, say goodbye to the good intentions of BC’s New Curriculum. This is a wonderful time to be an ENTREPRENEURIAL TEACHER in BC Education, yet this mindset is quickly being sabotaged with fear. That’s it. Fear is an ugly thing when it goes face-to-face with EGO. In the end, innovation gets questioned, extinguished, or misguided. Meh. I can feel the frustration. Yes, it is easy to keep doing what we are doing. Kids aren’t dying, right? Oh wait a minute… yes they are. You just can’t see it. We mistake it for misbehaviour or failure. And guess what, some teachers are dying too. Can we afford to lose these teachers? Can we afford to not innovate? I’m hoping your answers are NO.

Blog Request

First of all, I am so happy that people actually read my blog. It heartens me. Second, I never had a blog request before. I guess there is always a time for a first. So here it goes… a Facebook friend of mine (and colleague) responded to one of my blog entries. I wrote the Next Step, which was about saying goodbye, letting go, and decluttering. My friend asked if I took blog topic requests. Normally, I like to blog when I get inspired. Right now, I’m inspired to write, so why not write about travelling great distances and the “two-body problem.” So, what is the “two-body problem?”

According to Wikipedia: “The two-body problem is a dilemma for life partners (for e.g. spouses or any other couple) in academia, relating to the difficulty of both spouses obtaining jobs at the same university or within a reasonable commuting distance from each other.” Interesting. I never heard of the “two-body problem.” At first I thought it was referring to me having two bodies because I have to be in two places at once. Or, the “two-body problem” meant that I was leading two lives. Nope. In the blog Tenure, She Wrote, “the two-body problem involves two partners, both with professional aspirations, trying to end up in close geographical proximity…so that they can live together, support each other, and maybe even raise a family.”

Am I experiencing the “two-body problem”? No, I am not. It’s more like the ONE-BODY PROBLEM. The dilemma is mine. Thank goodness for social media and our ability to create our online persona. It’s a beautiful thing. We can post anything we’d like to project a theme of how we live, think, and breathe. This is not to say I am not authentic or real online, but what I am saying is that you are not getting the moment-by-moment thoughts or actions in the life of CYH, even though it may feel that way with my multiple daily Facebook/Twitter/Instagram posts. My deepest apologies.

The one-body problem is… what the hell am I going to do with my life? No pressure, but I’m putting it bluntly. I can only imagine what it would be like to be in a “two-body problem” where there are two of me. That would be absolutely crazy. My dissertation is almost complete (fingers crossed) and I am starting my journey in academia as a sessional instructor. I’m still deliberating if this is the direction I would like to go. Why? It requires a lot of commuting if I wish to continue living on the Sunshine Coast. This is what I would call the Sunshine Coast Phenomena. To commute or not commute?

The Sunshine Coast is a beautiful place to live. We have to take a 45 minute ferry to the mainland. A 25 minute drive to the ferry and whatever time it takes to go where every you need to go on the other side. It would take me a whole day of travelling to have a one-hour meeting with my supervisor on campus. That said, I love where we live. We have a home here. My husband has a stable job. My daughter transitioned beautifully into high school. I love the ocean, the forests, and the small town feel. The downfall is my career aspirations. The other option is to move somewhere else.

The dilemma I face is my career. As a sessional instructor, I’m only travelling to Vancouver once a week in a 4 month period and being a school trustee takes me out of town at least once or twice a month. My little family also take trips to the mainland to visit family or attend sporting events. My daughter is involved with swimming, volleyball, basketball, softball, and rugby which takes us off the Coast so she can compete. Going back and forth on the ferries is what we do on the Sunshine Coast.

What I do know is this… I love my kid and would do anything for her. She is an awesome kid who loves her mom but also loves her independence. Her autonomy makes it viable for me to travel, pursue my doctorate degree, and whatever possible career in academia. My husband is also supportive of my career direction (or indirection). He has been very patient and understands that I am in a state of transition. He supported me when I left my teaching career in public schools, when I became a school trustee, and during my dissertation journey. I feel very lucky to have an easy going family. The truth is, I could not do what I do without them.

So, there it is. My family make it easy for me to travel back and forth, pursue my career, and make commuting seem so manageable. It’s only a one-body problem. Do I want to commute? Do I want to move? The dilemma is my own. My little family are very willing to accommodate me. I love the work that I do but realize that as soon as my dissertation is complete, life will change. I don’t know if I answered the inquiry as requested, but I do empathize with those experiencing the “two-body problem.” Regardless of context, it’s what you are willing to give, compromise, and let go. Commuting is my compromise. It might be different tomorrow. I may have walked away from so much, but gained so much in return. There is no right answer.

Next Step

I always like to check on my website for previous blogs to ensure that I do not use the same title. Today, I was compelled to use the title “Saying Goodbye” or “Letting Go.” Apparently I’ve used those titles before… hence, “Next Step.” I reread those blogs to see where I was at that time. In the “Saying Goodbye” entry, I was saying goodbye to my Educ 471 class at SFU. They were my first class I taught as a sessional instructor at SFU and loved it. I learned so much from them and about my teaching. I was reminded how much I loved working with students and engaging with them. That was only a few months ago. It seems like a lifetime. The second entry, “Letting Go,” was written in 2012. It’s almost full circle and I’m having similar thoughts.

Today, I was motivated to get some housework done. This is a rare occurrence because I would love to do anything else but housework. From vacuuming to dusting… from washing dishes to laundry… I was finally taking some time for myself to get the house in order. In doing so, I was reminded by my One Word 2017… JOY. I kind of lost sight of that. Hmm… how can I derive joy from house cleaning? I must admit that there was some satisfaction derived when I replaced a light bulb or two and replenished the toilet paper rolls in each washroom. Going back to my first inspiration of “Saying Goodbye” and “Letting Go,” I was motivated to get rid of some of my stuff… starting with my closet. I was doing the laundry anyway. Why not?

My sister spoke of a method called KonMari. Of course I Googled it up and found a blog of someone else who found JOY from decluttering using KonMari. Here’s the blog link if you’re interested. https://www.happier.com/blog/5-life-changing-lessons-the-konmari-decluttering-method-taught-me It seemed serendipitous… JOY and cleaning. KonMari seemed right up my alley. Although I did not put all of my clothes in a pile, I did look at each piece of clothing and asked myself if it brought me joy. One by one, I tossed clothes in a pile to give away. My daughter becomes one of those benefactors. She was also another reason why I had to reassess what’s in my closet. She loves taking my clothes at will and quickly turn them into her own. Instead of getting frustrated, I let it go and said goodbye Lululemon shirts, tights, etc.

LIBERATING. Albeit, not done perfectly but it felt great to get rid of things I was holding onto. Why did I hold onto these pieces of clothing, jewelry, or whatever? During the day, I would take a break because I was driving my daughter somewhere, going to a meeting, or having lunch. During that down time, I would reconsider my second guesses and just got rid of them. My closet and drawers look more tidy and organized. I have a big pile clothes in front of my bedroom door and I am ready for the next closet, drawer, or cupboard. Bring it!!! This process of what brings me joy via decluttering my living space is a metaphor for life. You can’t let new things in if you have too many things in hand. Sometimes you have to let go and say goodbye.

What’s my next step? Get this dissertation done. I’m stumped with one part of my Chapter 4 revisions. By making a decision, I have to either let go of a significant finding or redo pages of calculations and hope for the best. I’m not sure if I’m prepared to do the latter. My dissertation is also undergoing a decluttering process… and I hope, in the end, much joy is derived. I do love the learning process and adore the problem solving aspect of writing (I cannot believe I said that). I cannot wait for my next steps, but in doing so I am going to have to let go and say goodbye.

You Just Don’t Know

“You just don’t know… people’s stories.” – CYH

This was a big ah-ha for me tonight. You just don’t know people’s stories. I am so grateful to come to that conclusion tonight. It brought me some solace. My head was spinning. I chose a direction in my life and I’m walking towards an unknown destination. When making a BIG decision, I naturally second guess myself and wonder what’s just around the corner as if I could predict the future. I imagine an infinite number of possibilities (or trajectories) while trying to rationalize my BIG decision. In the end, it doesn’t matter. My family is happy with my decision. I feel good about my decision. And, the world just keeps moving along in spite of my decision. My two school trustee colleagues made me realize this tonight. I’m back to that serendipitous mindset where things happen for a reason and it happened tonight.

Yesterday I even tried to learn more about myself to determine if I made the “right” decision. I have done this test before, but tried it again just to be sure. I completed another Myers Briggs test. This time I answered either STRONGLY AGREE or STRONGLY DISAGREE to get definitive results. As anticipated, I was ENTP-T. 15 years ago, I was an ESTJ. Your type is known to change over time, but I wonder about the influence of workspace or work environment on one’s preferences. Anyhow, I was not surprised… except for the hyphenated T. I was unfamiliar with this preference and it means “turbulent” versus “assertive.” I am 60:40. Turbulent sounds terrible, but I do second guess my actions. As my colleague said tonight… “You do like to analyze things.” This is true, the NT part of my Myers Briggs. And yes, I am (E) extroverted and love being around people and yes… I prefer my freedom (P).

So, what’s my point. My head was in a SPIN. I guess this is “turbulent” part of me in full force and I was engaging with others to make sense of the direction I am heading in. I have no definitive answers or thoughts even though others may. I am eliminating options I’ve acquired since leaving teaching high school math 6 years ago. I wanted to know what was possible. I wanted to understand more about education and the education system. And, I wanted to explore what I was passionate about. I had always admired vendors at the craft fair who were passionate about their craft. I called it “their jam.” Jam meaning preserved fruit, a metaphor for their love. I’ve always wanted to wrap my head around that concept of passion. For example, my friend made tables. I never understood why he loved making these tables with his friend. He told me it wasn’t the tables per se. It was more than that.

My blog tonight reminds me of the elastic band around the wrist for high performance athletes. If they find themselves in a mindset and have to break the thought, they just snap the elastic on their wrist. I felt like that just happened to me tonight with Lori and Pamm. I am so grateful. The mental spin stopped. They started talking about something and I had no idea what they were talking about. They started to share their stories and thoughts on the matter and all I could do was laugh. I was such in disbelief and for these two it was common knowledge. I could not believe what they were telling me. I was hysterical because I could not comprehend what they were telling me. I did not get it. I could not understand it. The more they talked about the topic, the more I laughed. Then I thought about it some more. At that moment, my mind was onto thinking about other things and realizing that we don’t know people… really… not their whole story. So, who am I to judge?

This was so liberating. I loved having a good laugh. I could not stop giggling and shouting “no way.” I still shake my head as I type this blog. That said, my mind shifted. I feel at peace with my decision and let it go to the universe. Things are meant to happen as they are suppose to happen. Surrender. You can’t control outcomes or other people. You can only control yourself and how you perceive things. You don’t know people’s stories. We think we do and believe we do, but that’s the lie.

Trajectory

It’s that time again… the annual election of the BCSTA Board of Directors. The call out for nominees was made and BCSTA members have until the end of March to submit their names. I remained undecided in 2016 if I would run again in 2017. It was already being discussed amongst BCSTA board members who would run for the 2017/18 election. The president of BCSTA had announced that 2016/17 would be her last year. Succession planning was in the minds of many and conversations ensued.

The first time I put my name forward for director in 2013/14, I lost. It was a close race and a great experience. I was elected in the following year and this is my third years as director in 2016/17. I knew that I wanted to run for a third year to support the leadership of the BCSTA president but also provide some expertise, enthusiasm, and edu-value (whatever that means). I knew that I did not want to run for a fourth year as director. I have learned what I wanted to learn and it would be a time for change.

Vice-president??? President??? Or get out… I needed time to assess the situation and determine what role I wanted to play in 2017/18. Many factors play into my decision making such as completing my dissertation, my career in education (aside from trusteeship), and my family. Other factors included what else I could contribute to BCSTA and what direction BCSTA members want to take. We are a diverse organization with varied points of view. This would be the case because boards of education represent the diverse communities in our province. It’s a given.

The past three years on the BCSTA Board of Directors has been interesting. A change in CEO, change in staff, change in Ministers of Education, change in deputy ministers, change in membership… and change in relationships. Change can be glacial, but perceived change can be catalytic or toxic. Change that supported student learning, good governance, and trustee education was change that I wholeheartedly believed in. Advocacy was quiet, strategic, and effective. This was not every members preferred style of advocacy but I believe that we did a great job advocating for local school boards and students… and continue to do so. Our diversity is our strength.

I am proud of the work we have accomplished. I’ve been on my pedagogical journey for six and a half years and it’s time for me to make a decision. We just had our February 2017 Provincial Council meeting in Vancouver and members of the board and members of the organization were declaring their candidacy for 2017/18. Two put their name forward for president, one for vice-president, two to return as incumbents, two new candidates for director, and the current president stepping down to become the past president. I was the only director to remain undecided.

The answer was not obvious for me. As mentioned, lots of factors were influencing my decision. I was undecided at Provincial Council and overwhelmed by some of the nominations. What role did I want to play in the BCSTA? As director, I’ve enjoyed liaising with the VISTA and Metro Branches, as well as the BCSTA Education Committee and BCSTA Legislative Committee. I loved representing BCSTA on the Provincial Curriculum Standing Committee and working on the new BCSTA Trustee Curriculum soon to be called “The Learning Guide.” I am satisfied with this work.

I have outgrown my role as director, but was I ready to be President? Being vice-president, at this point in time, was not an option. I considered the options and variables that would influence my decision one way or the other. There will be new leadership at BCSTA to be decided at AGM in April 2017. I made my decision.

I will not be running in the 2017/18 BCSTA Board of Directors Election. 

A Little Help

“I wished I kept this. A turning point in my dissertation.” @christineyounghusband Instagram Post – February 10, 2017

I’ve been working on my dissertation for years. It took years to develop my research question. It took years to select and commit to a methodology. It took years to create a survey instrument. Are you seeing a trend? After years of deliberation and working on Chapter 1 over and over again, the collection of data and data analysis took no time at all. I enjoyed the data collection process and playing around with the numbers. I enjoyed the data analysis process much more than I thought I would. I loved taking numbers and transforming them into a narrative. It was awesome.

Now what? What was the narrative? I saw trends in the data, anomalies, and FYIs. Piecing data together into a comprehensive story was challenging. I had a tonne of ideas popping in and out of my brain that I had to take a moment to thread these ideas together. Some findings were worth keeping. They either answered the research question or verified the literature. Other findings made me scratch my head and wonder. While some calculations never made the final draft.

I had to piece my ideas together. Inspiration comes at the strangest times. This photo is a sample of me “putting these ideas together.” You can only imagine what was happening in my brain. I started organizing my thoughts and ideas onto one piece of paper. I felt like I got a little help on this. I created this collage of thoughts on the same day my father-in-law had passed away. I was out of town for meetings and alone in my hotel room that evening to grieve. That night I needed to be alone.

From a brain-block to a flood of possibilities, my thoughts, findings, and narrative for my research study all came together that night. I truly believe that my father-in-law had something to do with this. He was a “go get them” kind of guy. I thought about him a lot that night and almost felt that he wanted me to think more about my dissertation and he was willing to help me out with that. To you, this photo of my thoughts may seem chaotic, illegible, and incomprehensible. It is, to some degree. But also, it was a reminder that anything is possible if you believe it’s possible.

I write this blog entry today for three reasons. First, I’ve been working on the feedback I’ve recently received from my supervisors and realizing that not only are the revisions doable, but also I am really, really close to finishing. Second, this photo lingered in my Instagram account since my father-in-law’s passing and I believe that I was meant to write this blog in honour of him and his “can do” attitude. And finally, I miss him and wished he were here. I didn’t have the opportunity to grieve his passing that weekend. Thank you (miss you) Randy Sr. I needed all the help I could get.

Formative vs. Summative

Today has been an interesting day. I have experienced both summative and formative assessments as a teacher and learner. I can honestly say, they both feel different. What do I mean by this? Professional development workshops I facilitate emphasize the difference between formative and summative assessment in the context of BC’s New Curriculum. With this understanding, it is more manageable to navigate through the intentions of the curriculum and make decisions with respect to Communicating Student Learning and reporting student achievement.

The other element about assessment that must be mentioned is how integrally tied it is with our values… as a teacher and learner. Teachers are conveying their values and expertise onto students by evaluating or judging student performance and students internalize that judgement as part of their self-identity, self-worth, and self-efficacy. Hence, assessment and evaluation is ALWAYS a dynamic, vibrant, and fruitful conversation on #bcedchat. We all have something to say about assessment.

This morning I received feedback from teaching at Saint Mark’s College. The picture above shows the final question of the survey questionnaire. One student rated my overall performance as “very good” and the other “excellent.” It was an online graduate course with two students. I was learning on the fly. I have never fully facilitated an online course before. “Very good” and “excellent” are exceptional responses considering the circumstances. Furthermore, the previous 10 questions were either “excellent” or 50:50 “very good” to “excellent.” I got similar results at Simon Fraser University. I exceed faculty and university averages.

Not bad for my first year as a sessional instructor, but what was I really thinking when I got the news??? How could I be better? Why was the course not “excellent” for all questions? Why was I not “excellent?” Blah, blah, blah. Initially, I did not celebrate my performance, but dwelled (for a bit) on why I wasn’t perfect in all categories. Now this is CRAZY. I could take this as FORMATIVE feedback, but these evaluation forms do not provide strategies on how I could teach the course better or how the course content could be better. I had to hypothesize on what these could be. Thus, student evaluations are SUMMATIVE. It signals the end of the learning process.

This afternoon I received feedback on my dissertation from one of my supervisors. I was ecstatic. I have a tonne to work on but also I had a tonne of kudos. I say that I have lots to do, but it’s all very doable. This supervisor made no comments about Chapter 1, 3, and 4. I need to work on one part in Chapter 2, numbering and terminology in Chapter 5, and overall flow. Woohoo!!! What I love most was the compliment made about Chapter 5 (my chapter, my thoughts). This made me very happy. I can’t wait to jump in and delve back into my dissertation.

I have three chapters of detailed feedback from my other supervisor and the remaining two chapters should be coming very soon. I embrace this FORMATIVE feedback. Wholeheartedly I know that they are helping me to be a better me… to make my dissertation a better dissertation. They have the experience and expertise. They know the standards. They are supporting my learning and I appreciate their thoughts, critiques, and questions. I love how it makes me think and feel. I have much gratitude to receive this feedback. The learning process continues.

It’s been an up and down day… well, a formative and summative assessment day. I got two forms of feedback and had two different responses. I do feel great about my student evaluations from SMC and SFU but it took some time to step away from me figuring out ways to make things better (and go back in time to fix it). Certainly I can focus on areas that were below “excellent” or “perfect” and try better the next time I teach a course, but I may not have that opportunity. I loved the feedback from my supervisors and look forward to editing my dissertation, but there will be a day when my doctoral degree work will be summative and the learning process will end.

I had to blog about this today. It was so interesting to experience summative and formative assessments in one day. The feelings I experienced makes me more curious about the power of assessment and evaluation. It’s about getting excited about how things could be better. With BC’s New Curriculum and Communicating Student Learning, ongoing formative assessment is key. Summative assessments do signal an end to the learning process and one thing I know for sure is, you cannot go back in time to make things better (… and we cannot see through solids).

Data Denial

My “final draft” of my dissertation is in the hands of my committee and I hope to receive feedback by the end of this week so that I can make the appropriate revisions to get to my next “final draft.” Yes, I am still in the process but nearing the end. I can see the next steps as I approach the oral defence. Redraft the dissertation to a level of readiness so that I can send it to an external examiner. Receive their feedback and make the appropriate revisions to get to another “final draft” to get to a place of defending my dissertation and inviting another internal/external examiner to be part of my examining committee. Yes… the end is near and I can’t wait.

I am happy to learn that my committee has taken the next step to provide feedback on all 5 chapters. I spent many hours with my editor “learning how to write” or rewrite my dissertation to have it at a place where my committee can read through my dissertation. As mentioned in previous blogs, reading and writing are not my strengths, but I am getting better at it. This takes time, effort, and patience. My editor was awesome. She is a former colleague and classmate of mine. Because I am literary-phobic, I needed to work with someone whom I trusted and respected as well as someone who would be willing to tell me the goods without glossing it up with kindness. Well, I got that. She showed me patterns in my writing that I would not have recognized and she never hesitated to ask me questions to get clarification. She knew my learning and thinking preferences and played them well. Thank you Audrey.

Aside from honing down my research question, determining my methodology, and the reading and writing process, another thing that contributed to the lengthiness of my dissertation process was the data analysis. I loved spending time making and designing an online survey instrument that would collect data to answer my research question and sub-questions. This took a lot of time. I had to change platforms and underwent two pilot tests to ensure that my survey instrument would do what it was suppose to do. Distributing the survey was more difficult than I imagined. There was no incentive to participate except to help me and contribute to my study. That was a bit disheartening. The next step was the “dreaded” data analysis. I say that, I but enjoyed this process the most. I loved making meaning from numbers.

I had to learn statistics on the fly. Can math get any more fun that that? I had to learn math with a purpose. I loved playing with the numbers and calculating outcomes with hopes of finding something meaningful or unusual. Of course, I would have loved to have taken a course on statistical analysis so that I could get a deeper understanding of the mathematics that gave me the numbers I derived, but I loved trying to find ways to make a story from the numbers. Throughout my doctoral candidacy I wanted to write a narrative. I thought that this would have been a qualitative study. To my surprise, my descriptive quantitative study has led to a story to tell. What I can say is, what you will see in the “final draft” of the dissertation does not compare to the kind of analysis and calculations undergone to get to that final product.

Not to disclose any of my findings in this blog entry until my dissertation is truly finalized, I was held back a bit with what I found. Yes, I answered my research question and sub-questions with the data collected in the univariate analysis. I found other things too in the bivariate analysis. Even with all this data that led to one particular direction, I was resistant to accepting what I found. Much of what I found is already known by practitioners. For some reason, I wanted my findings to say something different. That’s one thing about doing a research question that you are so invested in as a practitioner, it’s can be challenging to step aside and look at the data objectively as a researcher. Now thinking about it, the major findings of my study accentuates what is already known in practice, but now I have data to verify it.

Once I let go of what I thought I should have expected from the data and allowing the data to speak its truth, I am so happy with my findings and hope that it will contribute to the greater body of knowledge in education. The dissertation process was a struggle but it was also a place where I was able to find joy and purpose. I had always believed that I was terrible at reading and writing and never thought I could be where I am today. Without perseverance, grit, and determination… I would not be completing my dissertation and doing something that required very little reading and writing. In return, the dissertation has taught me that anything is possible, if you want it. The dissertation has also taught me how to discipline my thinking process and how to look at data with an open mind and open heart so that I can hear its story.

Authenticity

I am often reminded about authenticity in everything that I do. It’s something that I wrestle with from time to time. Often, I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. My preference is to work in a collaborative and collegial environment where all those in the community are wholehearted, kind, and well-intended. I thrive in a community of learners were all participants are willing to question to seek a deeper understanding and share their expertise to build capacity.

When am I being true to myself? With others? And, when am I not? The classic edu-answer is… it depends. I feel my best when I am authentic. I was at a meeting the other day I was my whole self. I did not hesitate to ask questions, get clarification, or say what I mean. I was willing to be swayed one way or the other and people could take or leave what I had to say. The gratifying part of this experience was that my voice was integrated into the final outcome. I did not pretend. I was not silent. I put myself forward and I feel proud to contribute my thoughts wholeheartedly.

When I am pretending or silent… which by the way I’m not very good at… I am trying to make an impression. Sadly, the impression I leave is not my authentic self… thus, am I leaving the right impression? This is why I feel uneasy about job interviews. You are trying to make an impression but can you be somebody that you’re not? I would imagine what kind of person the employer is looking for and leave myself aside. It never felt very good and not sustainable. However, I participated in an interview recently and opted by be myself. I’m not sure if this was good or bad thing in terms of the final outcome, but I surely walked away feeling good. I’m either a match or not.

As an educator, I am my authentic self. I try to be upfront and vulnerable. I like to make a connection with my clientele and I share my expertise to the best of my abilities. Although I am open to the clientele taking or leaving what I have to share, it’s difficult to hear negative criticism of my work when I am putting all of my cards on the table. When the comments are complimentary, it feels great, of course. It’s validating and reaffirming. When the comments are not so good, it’s a swift blow to the head, which makes me want to reconsider my authentic, wholehearted approach.

I can see why it is extremely difficult for people to be themselves without being judged. The fear of judgement is the antithesis of our deep desire to belonging and be accepted. I’m OK with feedback. Formative feedback. How can I be a better me? How can I be better at what I do? When I receive a negative comment, I need time to figure out what I could have done better. When others are pretending or silent, it makes me question. This is not respectful, kind or compassionate. It’s just perpetuating what I am trying to resist. Authenticity is a two-way relationship.