Burning Question

I feel a blog coming on. This is so interesting. Now that I am not doing reflective journals for Educ 471 on my blog, I have the niggling feeling from within that motivates me to write. Of course inspiration comes when I am sitting in my car and on the ferry heading home. Classic. So what’s today’s blog topic? My dissertation.

I am returning home from being at a meeting in Vancouver and IGNITE35 session in Langley. I love hanging out with friends and I enjoy the pecha kucha style presentations at IGNITE. Go figure… all of my Educ 471 students had to do an IGNITE to demonstrate their learning. IGNITE35 presents speakers from the Langley School District and messages they want to share with us. Yes, IGNITE is “PD in a pub.”

At IGNITE35, there were three rounds of speakers. Between each round there is an opportunity to chat with others. I often think this informal chatter is the best professional learning. I have to opportunity to catch up with friends, discuss IGNITE presentations, and meet new people. I often learn the best things from people when the conversation is unplanned, informal, and strangely serendipitous.

Between one of the breaks, I was talking to my friend’s friend. She congratulated me on submitting my dissertation to my committee and asked me what my study was about. I hate talking about  my study. I get a little self-conscious. Who would be interested in what I’m interested in? To my surprise, when I do share, I find more often than not that people are engaged and interested. And yes, the question prompted another opportunity to practice my 2-minute edu-elevator pitch.

My friend’s friend follows up with a second question. “Why are you doing this? Are you doing it for fun?” Hmm… for fun? I would not say that the dissertation process has been “fun.” I guess on some level I have finally found some intrinsic satisfaction from engaging in my research and realized that the “goods external” has its limitations. So, my initial response was… “I believe I started the program for the wrong reasons.” She responded by saying that this was common.

Now nearing the end, I appreciate the process and understand the struggles and small victories serve a purpose. My supervisor asked me the same question a few years ago. At that time, I was stumped. He said that I could do this for the intrinsic good of it, but do I have goals such as continuing research, getting a job, or something like that. Sadly, I think the only way I can get through this process right now is for the “goods internal.” I trust that the goods external will come.

My dissertation has been an exceptional vehicle for me to understand myself more as a researcher, learner, and educational leader. The research and writing process has been a meta-experience, connecting my professional learning with what I was researching. THE BIG AHA. If I dig a little deeper, I had a question to answer. A burning question… It’s a question that I wanted to answer for almost 20 years.

It took time to disembed myself from my own beliefs and hurt feelings to see the problem from a researcher’s point of view. I sorted out my thoughts, had the right conversations and experiences, and allowed the data to speak to me. First, I am so surprised how much I enjoyed the data analysis process. The numbers tell a story… the story I’ve always wanted to tell as a narrative. I am happy and satisfied with my findings. Second, I hired an editor to help me with my grammar, flow, and clarity.

The best part about my editor, Audrey Owen, she is a friend and colleague. She is frank, candid, and to the point. She is also kind, generous, and detail oriented. I love all of these qualities. Furthermore, I trust her with my study. Many years ago, we completed our master degrees together on the Sunshine Coast in 2001. After our editing session, she reminded me that she remembered that this was a burning question for me during our program. She caught me off guard. I didn’t realize this.

Looking back further, I remember going to a principals meeting in my school district (in the 90s pre-masters) as a young mathematics teacher proposing to this group that elementary school teachers should learn more about mathematics before teaching mathematics. One principal piped up after my presentation and said, “Who would want to do that? Nobody.” That was a deal breaker and the conversation ended. Obviously, this is a burning question I continue to have. I’m not the only one. I found other people “out there” with similar questions, interests, and concerns.

So I guess if I had to answer my friend’s friend’s question again… “Why are you doing this?”… The answer is not for fun and I’m not doing it to get a job… even though they might be outcomes of this learning process. I have a question to answer. I’ve put many things aside (i.e. career, financial security, family life, etc.) to get this done. What is worth it? Yes it was. Would I do it again? Yes I would. I learned so much with the dissertation process and all of the experiences I have been fortunate to be a part of to build perspective and insight on professional learning, mathematics education, and the BC education system. I am very grateful. #ontheroadtocompletion