Everything on Hold

It’s been awhile since I have blogged. I am back logged with blogs so don’t be surprised if there’s flurry of blogs from my site in the next while. I put everything on hold. Aside from the essential basics like bare brushing my teeth, driving my kid to school, and attending meetings, my life has been focused on getting this dissertation completed. Yesterday, I submitted my “new final draft” to the editor. I need help with my grammar and APA. I’ve got two editors. It’s nice to get another set of eyes on my paper to ensure that I am getting my ideas across and in the right format.

As I wait for formative feedback on my dissertation and wait between loads of laundry, I blog. Trust me. I have a tonne more things to do… but this seems like the right thing to do at this point in time. You’ve got to go with your gut instinct sometimes and ignore the “shoulds” that could take over your life. I like this. Writing without much worry of grammar and correct formatting… it’s quite liberating from what I was doing over the last few months. Take a look at this photo. What is it? Data. More extraneous data analysis because I found something else to think about.

The dissertation process has taught me that learning still has structure, rules, and expectations… but learning is also about curiosity, inquiry, and experimentation. Oh my goodness, I thought that I would experience “academic freedom” as a doctoral student but there are a lot of rules to follow. Don’t kid yourself. On the other hand, the inquiry is yours and no one else’s. It’s up to me to decide what references I choose to use. It’s up to me what methodology would fit best. It’s up to me how I want to answer my research question. That’s so crazy. Is there a right answer?

What I do know is… the dissertation process is all about the process with hopes of finding an answer. This is why it’s so important to have a question that you could answer and want to answer. At first, I wanted to “change the world” with my dissertation. Who’s kidding who??? Will I add to research? Probably. Did I answer my research question? Most definitely. Did I find anything ‘mind blowing’? Nope. What I did find is, myself and my happiness. I have gathered data that the field has already known and I found some possible ‘real-life’ solutions to the problem. Nice!!!

Furthermore, I have a greater appreciation for the learning process as a doctoral student. You don’t have to pursue a doctorate degree to appreciate the learning process, but it did take me this long to realize how precious the learning process is and how much I value the teaching profession. Did I want to finish my dissertation sooner rather than later? Absolutely. But I truly believe that you have to be ready to finish. I am ready. Now, I receive emails that read… “when you think it will be done?” and “what is your timeline?” ARGH… I keep underestimating my timeline.

Understanding how much time it would take to complete a task is still a challenge… but I’m a lot more forgiving of myself when I take more time than anticipated. For example, it took me six days to complete a task I thought would take one. I’ve been working on revisions since the new year. I had to redo all of my calculations from Chapter 4 because I changed the sample size and realized I had data that should not have been there and mistaken one calculation for another. My 2-week spring break was spent recalculating, which resulted in new results and a new Chapter 5.

Another time gobbler was realizing that I had the wrong format on all of my tables and figures. I started investigating APA and redoing all of the tables with my new calculations. And even still, I felt like I was guessing. I thought I was done when I submitted a final draft in December, but luckily I’ve been receiving feedback for each chapter since the new year and not only need to redo Chapter 5 because of Chapter 4 and feedback, I was advised to write a Chapter 6. Yes, the dissertation got longer. It took a month to get Chapter 5 and 6 completed and submitted to the editor.

Why am I even blogging about this? There are plenty of books out there about “how to complete your dissertation” and other blogs that try to be helpful as you work towards completion. I just need the opportunity to share my learning experience and reflect on what I’ve learned in a blog. The process is somewhat isolating, but I’ve appreciated all of the support and help I’ve received. I learned more about student advocacy and student agency. I learned more about perseverance, determination, and grit. I learned more about my learning. I could not be more grateful.

The dissertation process has been a META experience for me… as a doctoral student and what I am writing about. You cannot learn in isolation. You have to reach out for help. Ask questions. Be vulnerable. Take the lead of your own learning because no one else will. Do what’s important to you. I’ve made my dissertation a priority (many times), but this time it feels different. I have fallen in love with my research all over again. I am so glad I’m following through. I am scheduled to defend in the Summer 2017 and in order to do so, my “real” final draft has to be done very soon.

I’ve heard from my supervisor, my editor, and my mom… “Take the time to get it right.” When you hear something three times or experience something in three’s… it’s your opportunity to pay attention. All of a sudden… this makes sense to me. It does not have to be perfect. It has to be better than just done. It has to be something that I am passionate about and believe in. I put EVERYTHING aside to get this dissertation done to answer my question. I never knew that my frustration was embedded in my research question, but now I feel peace, happiness, and joy. I am hopeful.